Remembering Aubrey

I watched her lying there in that PICU hospital bed, and she was gone. Gone. In heaven by noon. And when I walked out of that room, something in me broke in a way I can’t fully explain. I remember saying, with tears welling up in my eyes, “I’m done.” Done with pediatric cancer. Done with the pain. Done with loving another child just to lose them. I truly believed I couldn’t survive feeling that again.

The day Aubrey left this world, I truly believe a huge piece of me went with her.

I would listen to that P!nk song over and over. “If someone said three years from now you’d be long gone, I’d stand up and punch them out… ‘cause they’re all wrong.” Because I truly believed we had forever. I never imagined a world where you didn’t exist in it.

And yet somehow, a year later, I have devoted even more of myself for the pediatric cancer community than I ever have.

Why?

Because after I stepped away, after I sat in the quiet and let the grief take over, I realized something that changed everything. Aubrey’s life was better because we were was in it. We gave her more life, more joy, more memories. It gave us more time, more laughter, more moments I now hold onto with everything I have.

This past year has stretched me to my absolute limit. I have missed you every single day, in ways that words can’t fully capture. There is not a moment where you don’t cross my mind.

I miss the way you would talk about your future, how you were so sure you’d name your daughter Daisy Mae. I miss how you gave relationship advice like you had life completely figured out, and how you’d check on me constantly, asking what I was doing every hour like you never wanted to miss a second of my life. I miss Piper and the way you’d say, “Whatever your style is, it’s my style,” like loving me came so easily to you.

I miss sitting with you doing makeup, hearing you say, “If it’s cakey, just keep blending,” like that somehow applied to more than just makeup. I miss you calling Pilates “Pilages,” and the way you could turn something simple into something that made me laugh. I miss the way your mind worked, how you once told me to imagine my favorite ice cream shop using all five senses if I was anxious, like you saw the world in a way most people never will.

I miss PF Chang’s nights, your red headphones, and the way you wore dresses in your own way, never caring what anyone else thought. I miss showing you my favorite movie, Bride Wars, and singing in the car with the windows down like we had nowhere to be and all the time in the world.

I miss how we both always just wanted to be together, and how I would give absolutely anything now to have just one more moment with you. I miss how you tried salmon for the first time and ended up loving it, how you would FaceTime me just to tell me I was pretty, how I was “JMB” in your phone, Jordan My Bestie.

I miss the little things that meant everything, like being “BFFs in crime and the crime is shopping,” nail dates, you telling me I’d be a good mom one day, and you so confidently saying you’d be my maid of honor at my wedding. I miss the night you insisted on wearing something from my closet and came out in a gold sparkly dress and heels like you owned the entire world.

I miss how you knew every DJ, every celebrity, every relationship, who dated who, like it was your own little universe. I miss you singing Tate McRae in the car and wanting to buy me concert tickets with your own money, like loving people was something you gave without hesitation.

I miss the way you told me I deserved the best because I am the best, even when I sometimes didn’t believe it myself. I even miss the most random moments, like getting hit in the eye with a piece of chicken at Goody Goody, laughing until it hurt, eating lettuce burgers, and staring at your perfect little button nose thinking how unfair it is that someone so full of life could be taken so soon.

I miss everything.

I didn’t know love like this could hurt this much. But I also didn’t know it could last like this, could stay this strong, even after you’re gone.

A piece of me went with you that day.

But everything you gave me stayed.

And that is why I keep going. I love you so much and I miss you so much. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you.

For you.

Always for you.

No more pain, no more suffering, just playing catcher in the clouds, singing taylor swift with the angels, you were so perfect.