Tessa's 18th Heavenly Birthday

1.Their birthday.

2.The day they died.

Today, is one of them. Today, Tessa would have been 18.

Eighteen. 18?!?!

I can’t help it, my mind drifts to the “what would you be like now? What would you look like? Who would you be?”

Would you still wear leggings with skirts over them like you invented the style? Would you still strut everywhere in heels like the ground was your runway? Would you still grab my face and kiss my cheek a hundred times when you were happy or thankful? Would you still demand “stick to me” snuggles?

Sometimes those “what would you be like?” can hurt too much. So instead of sitting in the unfairness of it all, I let my heart imagine something else.

I imagine a little girl in heaven, watching the world before she ever entered it. Watching people love. Watching people hurt. She saw hospital rooms. She saw tiny bodies fighting battles they never chose.

And she asked why.

And maybe God told her that sometimes the deepest love is born in the deepest pain. That sickness makes strangers family. That pride falls away. That love gets louder.

And maybe, because you have always been braver than anyone I’ve ever known, you said,

“I’ll go.”

I’ll go if it means more love.

And He promised you wouldn’t do it alone. And that when it became too heavy, He would carry you home.

And then you were born. 18 years ago today Feb 25, 2008.

It only took you nine years to leave a mark most people don’t make in a lifetime.

Nine beautiful years, 4 of them filled with cancer and suffering, but no one ever knew because you were always happy, always smiling, and always doing cartwheels.

And somehow that 9 years was enough to change all of us.

You made people softer. You made people pray.

You made people show up. You made love louder.

You made Team Tessa. You helped shine a light on pediatric cancer.

You made me who I am. The things I love most about myself are the things that remind me of you.

I only got three years with you. From the day we met to the day you passed away. But it felt like I have known you my whole life. The last thing you said to me was, “I don’t want you to go.”

And I didn’t either. I never wanted heaven to call you back. Not ever. But I will forever be grateful for this day 18 years ago we got our little piece of heaven on earth.

I know with everything in me that we were destined to meet. Some souls find each other because they are meant to.

Love like ours doesn’t die. It becomes a mission.

Everything I do with Whip Pediatric Cancer has your fingerprints on it. It is because of you. It is for you. It is fueled by the ache of you.

I miss you in ways that language fails.

I miss the electricity of your presence.

I miss how fully, how recklessly, how beautifully you loved. I miss your tickles and our sleepovers and our conversations. I miss our FaceTimes and dance parties, I miss everything about you. You were an angel on earth.

You were the greatest person I have ever known.

Marley and I talk every day. Your parents still pour love into Whip kids through Love, Team Tessa. Jay is growing up and you would be obsessed with him. And the rest of the fam, we have all stayed best friends. I love them so much.

Your miracle didn’t end.

It just changed shape.

But today, on your eighteenth birthday, it still hurts. 9 years on earth. 9 years in heaven.

Happy 18th birthday, to my best friend. My Tessa bear, TT girl, and soul sister.

I will spend the rest of my life carrying your legacy, and becoming someone you’d be proud of.

And when it’s my time to go to heaven, I know you’ll be there, running to me, jumping into my arms, legs wrapped around my back, like you always did here one earth. I cannot wait to see you again one day.

You will always be my best friend.

I have never known a love greater than loving you.

And I don’t believe I ever will.

I love you to the moon and back and wayyyyyyyyy farther than that, forever and ever my TT you’ll be.

I love you. I love you. I love you. And I miss you soooooooooooo much!